Eat Out, just to say you have been out….

Interesting one this, I mean people’s perception of having a drink and a quality bite to eat out and about is about!

I have always found it’s a bit of a contentious and interesting conversation this one, particularly among those people I know and my family, who are on a different planet to me when it comes to this, and generally quality.

For my family, or at least some of them, they have absolutely no clue what a nice dinner out is, because the top of their range and basis for their inclusion in this discussion is a well-known pub chain – the pub chain where it’s a distinct likelihood you will be wiping your feet on the pavement outside before you get in the car.

Now, my basis for inclusion in such a lively debate, is that I have been around the block a bit when it comes to eating out, so I have a rough idea of what ‘half-decent’ looks like.

However, to be crystal clear I am not a ‘FOODIE’!

Who are these people? Who gave them this self-riotous description? The University of Food?

‘Hi, I’m Tobias and this Influenza and we foodie people’ – mate you see that bike, get on it and toddle off will you, and take the Flu with you!


According to the Observant Alternative, these people (foodie’s) are people or individuals that have a perceived idea that they like good food – don’t we all? I mean, I don’t say, ‘oh look darling, I would like to eat that bat for dinner’!

Now, one of the other facets or prerequisites (there you go buzz word people, that’s your inclusion) they apparently can judge good quality and have a palette, but actually never ever been anywhere near it.

So, let me explain, it’s a little complicated, but bear with dear readers, bear with..

These self-riotous and self-indulged people that call themselves ‘foodies’ love a two for one deal – it’s the truth, don’t argue.

After they have eaten this two for one, they pop by their friends and say what a lovely meal we had tonight.

Or how about this; Gillian and Peter pop out for a meal at the local pub, which happened to be recommended in the local paper (they don’t have internet). They leave the pub or eatery, and rave about how good the food was.

On what basis you ask?

It came out on a forty-two inch rectangular plate that took three people to carry(you foodies have seen that on the TV, don’t say you haven’t) and because the food was brilliantly presented by some pretentious chef, who’s last job was with the Colonel, its classed as ‘absolute quality’.

Absolutely absurd more like!!

Just stick with your onion rings and mushy peas, Gillian and Peter.

Mushy Peas, their odd aren’t they?

Below, just for clarity I have added a table (it’s a public sector thing, they love a table).

Type of EateryNormal PeopleFoodies
Fast Food/DeliveryMakes a change and quickOh how very dreadful
Pub Chain 2 for 1Not a chance or you know what you’re getting intoIdeal for parties and family inclusion purposes
‘Upmarket’ EateryIdeal for a quick bite in the week or during shoppingOh fabulous, let’s get a Taxi Brian and put our best clothes on
Good Pub, possibly accreditedExcellent for a weekend child free, or a date nightOh yes, service a bit slow, bit expensive and wouldn’t hurry back, would we Brian.
Proper Fine Dining – Michelin StarTotal experience of food and wine, absolute finest of the finest – probably a big tab to settleNot for me, just wasn’t foodie enough and expensive compared to dial a kebab.

Okay, I admit, that’s a very satirical way of describing them, but you get the point.

I remember a few years ago taking my son into a well-known ‘upmarket’ chain eatery. You know the one – they serve council pop in a stone brown bottle with a push top opening, and they think they are doing you a favour by saying it’s on the house!!!

Anyway, we bowled in, buggy in tow at about 6:30 on a Saturday night, and all of those foodies where in, but this time, in that age bracket, complete with dickie bow and jacket, clutching a bag that sparkled.

Now, that age bracket, these are an interesting lot and I am really going to have to blog about them in the future. Anyway here and now – that age bracket, or the sixty to seventy age bracket, the ones that should carry a sign saying ‘ I do not wish to have my lovely evening meal disturbed’ or the ones that go to Waitrose, thinking their excrement doesn’t stink and buy a rag top newspaper.

Yeah, those ones and if you haven’t noticed them before now, you absolutely will do moving forwards.

Back to when we bowled in, you could hear the coo’s from the audience when the little fella pushed his buggy in before sitting in his high chair to relax.

Just before 7 pm, we walked out after the little fella decided he had heard enough and kicked off. Needless to say Gillian and her mate bore off Peter weren’t too impressed that there two for twenty-five knicker meal had been interrupted.

Don’t give me that, twenty minutes ago you where happily cooing at him, now because he made a noise, you would think he had verbally abused the troll!!

I do love the fact that these self-proclaimed foodies, most of them in that age bracket, go out for a buffet or carvery dinner on a Sunday. Do they not ever think to themselves, I don’t know half these people when they are knee-deep in roast potatoes, after not being in the facilities long enough to have completed a full Boris handwash?

Proper foodies now aren’t you?!

What about those people that drive for three hours to go to that just chicken eatery – I don’t mean the Colonel either!

What is that about? Are these people serious or what? Utterly absurd that even enters the thought fridge quite frankly.

Meanwhile on a Monday at his job selling advertising space, Neil said to Tim, ‘what you do at the weekend bruv?’ Tim responds with ‘got in the Saxo bruv and went down the lakes for some chicken with Nicole innit’. Neil appropriately responds with, ‘nice one, bruv, love the lakes and chicken innit’!!

And what about these people, who are these people and when was this such a thing?


I am sorry, not food related, I understand that, but what is this about? Someone tell me, please?

‘Hi babe, fancy a cocktail tonight’? ‘Nah not tonight, I can’t afford the cost of cocktails and twenty eight quid a go, sorry babe, maybe Christmas, yeah!

Even couples nights out this is happening and us blokes just go with it – just stop, please!

If I said to my mate on Whatsapp, ‘oi ferret head, fancy a going out for a sex on the beach tonight’ I would never live it down.

I must admit, back on track, I have been very fortunate to have eaten in some of the finest establishments in the world with the biggest accolades, but at no point would I ever be that pretentious to label myself a ‘foodie’, because it just doesn’t mean anything.

I am not a ‘foodie’ whatsoever, but I know what good quality is when it lands and it’s not because it’s presented on a fifty-seven inch rectangular plate.

The description that these people have given themselves or declare themselves to be is so unpalatable to say the very least.

I admit,, whole heartedly admit in fact, there are people in the world that are genuine ‘foodies’ that seriously love their food and go everywhere eat everything imaginable – fair play to them I say and I think it’s great.

Mind you, I would be fussy when it came to bats!

I would also say people’s ideas have changed, particularly as there are so many food related television programmes out there to take in.

Ten years ago, when did any of us go in a pub and say ‘oh look, the lamb comes with carrot gel, carrot emulsion, carrot sauce, pickled carrot and carrot jelly’?! 

Thanks to British Broadcasting, the Australian and the Fruit and Veg Man, this is where we are unfortunately.

I reckon they should do another version for normal everyday people – imagine!

You can hear fruit and veg man, ‘so Dan, tell me what you are going to do for us’, Dan responds, well fruit and veg man, I am going to be doing a pub chain classic for you, which is microwaved burger and microwaved chips, but with a twist’. ‘Oh yeah’ says fruit and veg man. Dan responds and says ‘yeah, microwaved for one minute, then another minute and finally one more minute’.

Fruit and veg man erupts ‘woaaahh’.

Dan then follows up ‘yeah I know fruit and veg man, my Nan absolutely loves it’ ‘oh yeah, nice one – how old is she?’ says fruit and veg man.

’65’ replies Dan.

Reality TV

Just before I get right in to one, I think it maybe prudent to ask some questions and possibly advise people to have a word

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