Holidays – Part 2

Following my part one escapade around the good old Great British Holiday, I have written a further instalment on the big and topical subject of holidays, but this latest version sees’ me discuss the ‘Great British’ abroad holiday.

Lets forget the careering caravans dominating the motorways of the UK for now and give some love and attention to brits abroad and the quality of the abroad holiday.

This subject actually is a bit of a mixed bag when you think about it. I mean there is no clear definition is there? Not like here in the UK, with the bottom-end holidays the equivalent to the scabby pub chain, to the middle of the road equivalent holiday to the chain eatery and finally the equivalent holiday of the Michelin Star Restaurant, being absolute prestige!

For clarity, and what I mean by this is, it is like paying five grand for your holiday abroad, but it doesn’t guarantee five grands worth of other clientele or guest – does it? You know what bracket you sit in with a UK holiday and you can get a good idea of what you are getting in to.

For instance, I went to the Caribbean in 2017, not of for the first time, but it was five G’s worth of holiday, complete with full butler service.

Second day in, who arrived?

The equivalent of the Kwik-Save Family, who clearly left their Orion Car at the airport.

What the hell is going on here? It’s absurd, quite frankly.

Not only had I paid for one holiday, it looked like I had contributed to another one as well.

There was five of them, complete with ‘cheap labour shop clothing’!

I am clearly doing something wrong and for those of you who don’t agree, you are a school run mentalist.

I can appreciate this may seem harsh, but its not just the fact these people arrived on your five-grand holiday, it’s the ASBO behaviour that goes with it – do you know what I mean?

It’s interesting isn’t it, because most people complain about the food or the facilities at their chosen destination, but my biggest complaint is the people that go on these holidays and you have no choice.

In my opinion, there should be a vetting service – why should people have to put up with such appalling sights and noise?

Its not just these lot though is it? You get the other lot as well and that’s one of the issues with going higher end on holiday.

You know who these lot are, I am referring to?

The ‘I looked in the mirror the moment I was born, fell in love with myself and I’ve remained faithful ever since’ family!

This little lot tend to drive the three lettered car with lengthy warranty and generally eat in the high end chain eatery. They have two kids, both mid-teens, who are so self-obsessed and absorbed in themselves they don’t know what time of day it is.

This behaviour created solely by their parents’ rewarding behaviour.

These kids get everything, they were the kids at school that were the school bullies or in the ‘in crowd’.

Splendid individuals, aren’t they?

Anyway, to add to my observant description and just so they know exactly who I mean, I will diarise their movements for their day.

0900 – wander down to the pool, put their towels out on a lounger around the ‘bertie big biscuits’ pool (more on them in a second)

0905 – Breakfast, but usually health conscious

1000 – Complete breakfast and return to their room

1015 – Head down to the pool to sit about

1100 – The husband/Dad pops off for a soft drink before more sunbathing

1200 – The rep turns up around the ‘bertie big biscuits’ pool to start the canvass for the water polo, like a Spanish Tory canvassing for votes. The family are all over it!

1330 to 1400 – Lunch in the buffet

1400 – More sunbathing

1530 – Husband/Dad clears off again for more soft drinks

1530 to 1730 – The family sit there until the pool cleaners turn up to tidy up trying to catch more rays from the fading sun

1730 – Back to their room to get ‘dolled’ up like they are off to the high chain eatery, complete with children’s trousers showing off his ankles, even though he is nearly fifty-two.

2000 – Here they are, all dolled up to walk around the buffet for the next hour, eating salad, but not drinking the local council pop for fear of being ill.

One word for it? Ridiculous

Four words for it? Have a week off!

One other word for it? Melts

There you go, rant over, but writing that has given me another idea of doing the same thing but for the ASBO family, so here goes.

0900 – All you can eat Full English Breakfast, no foreign muck and washed down with larger products.

1000 – More lager products

1100 – More lager products

1200 – Contemplating all you can eat lunch whilst shirtless, but with lager products

1230 – More lager products

1300 – All you can eat lunch whilst shirtless with lager products

1330 – More lager products

1400 – Ouch, I am burnt and look like a cartoon character

1430 – More lager products and a kip

1530 – More lager products and a bowl of cheesy chips

1600 – Another kip and a bit more burnage

1700 – More lager products and then back to the room

1900 – Put pinstripe shirt on with flavoured (patterned) shorts

1930 – All you can eat buffet with a cocktail

2030 – More cocktails

So you get the picture!

That’s another point actually – when do you ever go out for lunch at home and walk in the café at Waitrose (where applicable) with your shirt off or with a vest on?

So why do people do it on holiday – absolute nonsensical behaviour!

You know the other thing these lot do?

When they get to the airport, they get straight in the place that serves lager products!

Uncouth idiots, they really are!

When you bowl in the airport, you usual end in either long haul or short haul, they don’t mix them up generally, so two different terminals and more depending on the airport.

Everyone in short haul is always in a rush, because they turn up late, particularly in peak season when kids holidays are on!

Or when you decide to pop over to New York for a few days with the troll and you go in two separate cars, because they want to vote in the general election for the Tories!!

That’s not a joke – they turned up over ninety minutes late, just because they had to vote.

Anyway, short haul..

You always see Philippa and Stephen with a PH going to Spain all on Stephens salary. Steve’s done all the packing after being at work all day, because Philippa has been on the nine and three school shifts and had to put the chicken nuggets on!

You know one of the best things they have introduced in airports now?

Family lane to get through security – you literally bowl through, unless the you are in the USA of course.

Their ‘Homeland Security’ staff take their job seriously don’t they – you feel like saying, just relax mate. They are so uptight and angry, its astonishing! A pre-requisite in their job description, is be as angry as possible!

I was coming through there once on my way back from New York and this big bloke bellowed raucously (buzz word) ‘Can you take off the vest’ to be honest, I didn’t help myself and went ‘do what mate’ he growled and said ‘ take off the vest’.

Just for clarity, I was wearing a Gilet or body warmer, so I turned around and said, ‘it’s a Gilet mate’. He didn’t see the funny side and he went right the other way, all over a little banter he couldn’t take!

So, if I ever reach America, here’s a message – ‘settle down mate’!

Back to the airport momentarily – what a place these things have become, particularly Dubai. There isn’t there anything you cant buy in these places, they even have a mini Harrods – that’s mental.

They make you walk past all this temptation, because the gate number you get is the last one in the airport – it’s outrageous, completely obscene and I reckon you spend more time wandering around the airport than you do on the actual flight – it’s a joke!

I mean, you don’t leave at 5 am in the morning to get the bus to work which leaves at 7:30 but spend two hours at the bus stop waiting for it to turn up. It’s ridiculous!

Do you reckon Boris and his mates go through this?

Oh no course they don’t, they keep the borders open during a pandemic so everyone can come and go freely to see them.

Going back to my comments about the ‘bertie big biscuits’ pool. Let me tell you this place exists and if you have never noticed it, then you will do now, that’s for sure.

There are on most resorts a couple of pools, one of the pools is what I politely term the bertie big biscuits pool. This pool is full of those people that have a company care or a three lettered car with a lengthy warranty, eat at the chicken eatery and fell in love with themselves when they were born and have remained faithful ever since.

These lot put their shirt on in the evening whilst breathing in and looks like it has been painted on, with slip on shoes, with children’s trousers on, showing their ankles.

When the reps come around, they are the ones that that jump up first to join in with the daily activities, just to flex there physiques, like Jean, 57, across at the other pool is that impressed with his ripped chest.

Then, their unruly 6 year old son kicks the waiter!!!

Real class mate, spend less time in the gym and the chicken shop and parent your kid properly, teaching him some much needed manners.

His girlfriend (not wife) stands poolside with her aviators on, deliberately pulling her bikini bottoms around, drawing attention from Stephen with a PH, whilst Philippa, who works nine – three on school runs has a rest.

You know the honest truth is, these holidays, particularly in peak season represents more of zoo in the daytime and Paris Fashion Week in the evening, with ‘cheap labour shop clothing’ and more bubble wrap than a storage company.

For me, there is only one guarantee with these holidays – what’s that?

The weather of course!

You aren’t guaranteed to have a memorable time, because of the clientele, food and the facilities.

So that’s covered off the resorts a little, and this drags us kicking and screaming into the next phase, the self-catering holiday – oh the joys!

These are the places you dare venture out of your complex because you wont get mugged going out.

You drive through the towns on your airport transfer looking out of the bus window thinking – no wonder they tell you to stay in your resort for own safety, yet my wife picked this for our holiday!

Why do we actually do that?

‘Where are you off to this year, Steve’ and you tell him some country nobody has even heard of and he responds, ‘haven’t they just had a civil war’?

‘Yes mate, but are in a resort, so the shells and bullets wont reach us and Barnardo is on the security gate 16 hours a day, so we will be okay’!

Anyway, self-catering, essentially home from home isn’t it? But mind you, these lot that do this, should have stayed at home to save everyone else from having a shocking holiday.

I bet the Spanish Authorities must think, who are these horrible people and they cant honestly live like this in the UK, can they?

They wouldn’t come here to Whitby and go, ah it needs to be more Spanish and open up a Paella Shop, would they?

For one thing, that age group in Whitby, would go absolutely mad, wouldn’t they?

Not forgetting the drivers of the three lettered care brand, with length warranty.

So, why the hell do we go there and a make a lovely little Spanish Town or Province into a cheap English Market Town, with just the Marks and Spencer Foodhall missing.

Irish Bars? All English Breakfasts? Fish and Chips? Have a word will yer!

What are we doing?

I don’t know this factually, but it wouldn’t surprise me if the scabby end pub chain that exists in the UK has popped up in one of these towns either – if it doesn’t exist yet, then how long will it be?

A few years ago, I went on a golfing holiday to Portugal, Villamoura to be precise. The hotel was decent or half decent at least, but just B&B, it was ideal for playing golf and they ran free shuttles and stuff.

When we bowled down for breakfast on the first morning before our round of golf, there was a sign written in English that read ‘NO FOOD TO TAKEN FROM THIS DINING ROOM’.

Other than the obvious, do you know what that says?

British people were taking lunch for themselves from breakfast – why do that?

You see what I mean? Its always the clientele that ruin your break or your holiday.

I think its embarrassing quite frankly, but people are proud of it, really proud of it!

The Troll that gave birth to my wife goes on one of these holiday – you know what she says?

Its great because I can go on holiday with hand luggage and do my washing when I am out there, because the apartment has a washing machine – oh bore off you absolute troll and go back to your bridge!!

Who does that? Who goes on holiday and does washing and ironing?

Moving on from the self-catering affair, I need to talk about the City Break.

People love these things, don’t they? But these trips are for the couples without kids or even those in that age bracket.

Admittedly, I haven’t done many of these trips, but I have been to the best of the lot as I had previously suggested, which is New York City – what a place, what an actual place this is! If had the serious wedge it costs to live there, I would without hesitation.

Look how cosmopolitan some of these places are, but then look how much a cup of coffee is.

That’s absolute daylight robbery or evening robbery depending on when you have it!

The city break is quite fanciful (buzz word) for some people and quite popular with extra-marital affairs apparently – they even have golden arches, but I don’t get the concept of going to Paris and having a Big Mac unfortunately.

Half the people that go on these holidays or breaks, are that thick, they don’t go the architecture, art or the ancient baths, they just go so they can swig lager products somewhere different.

You crack on mate!

That leaves me with one final thing to cover off, just randomly chucked in at the end.

Australia – everyone claws for it don’t they? Students, families and that age bracket, its madness!

Just one question…

When did it ever become normal to go on holiday and dice with your life?

What am I on about? Let me set the final scene for you..

Go to bed one night, wake up with a snake wrapped around you bedpost – tremendous, just what you want that.

Or, alternatively, you go for a jimmy and snake bites your rear end!!

Not for that, I am sorry, but just not for me.

I have family out there, but I have never been I must admit and I am probably being overly dramatic, but its never really grabbed me as holiday actually.

But you know, things change, I may have a three lettered branded car with lengthy warranty and eat in the upmarket chain eatery, that gives you council pop in a brown stone bottle – or maybe when I eventually go, I might be in that age bracket, who knows.

One final thing though on this blog – Philippa, make sure you remember, Steve often goes abroad to work, so maybe you should go to work!

Reality TV

Just before I get right in to one, I think it maybe prudent to ask some questions and possibly advise people to have a word

Read More »