School Run Mentalists….

Your all think at this point, what is he on about now?

I am just pointing out some simple theories and alternatives some of you may wish to consider either now or in the not to distance future – this are just my little observations.

May be you know, my son is right, I am just a bit of moaner and why should I care what people do – truth is, I don’t care what people do, unless its affects me of course and I do love a bit of a whinge.

Having said that, are you even a normal human being if you don’t moan or have a right old whinge about something. For some of us, including me, it’s just built in them to moan and moan considerably – I for one, quite enjoy moaning and I do consider it a lovely little quirk to have!

Is that a buzz word? Quirk? I hope so.

So, school run mentalists, what’s that about?

Like most of us lot in the UK, we have either been working from home or simply at home looking at the same four walls for over twelve months now, unless of course you have been doing it for years whilst your husband is at work (or wife even).

Given this, the school run has been marginally modified (there we go, that one is more identifiable) over the last twelve months, but just marginally.

How? Well that’s easy of course!

More Dads are on the scene or at home, whichever the case is, and looking more clueless than ever at the school gates, that’s how!

Pick up being a personal favourite of mine, I swear, Dads think this is some sort of local football changing room or some sort of parade of their manhood!

Honestly!

With the rise and inception of social media, or culture of social media, these chaps now go to the pub with each other on a Friday, but this venture out has been organised by their wife and signed off by their wives – like a school trip.

It’s an interesting one this, because I do wonder what they discuss at these events, in which they are so proud of.

Is it..

‘Oh yes, William is still achieving greatly at school in every subject, specifically reading’.

Followed by someone else going ‘look at that bloke’s beard’!

I mean big Cliff can hardly say, ‘oi Dave your missus is fit, you wanna see what she was wearing on the school run earlier’.

Just to be crystal clear, I couldn’t think of anything worse than going out with these absolute melts!!

I know for a fact that the WAGS of these Dads have discussions on group chats about the ‘best looking Dad’ or the one they wouldn’t ‘kick out of bed’. I also know that when such detail is given to the husbands and boyfriends, they go up the wall that other WAGS prefer someone else to them!!

Going back to Dads for a second, there are, don’t get me wrong some very normal chaps that don’t engage in this ‘swinging competition’. However, you do get the Dads, swinging their umbrella about in the playground like a seven iron golf club.

Can you imagine Chanel or Brasilla doing that?

Then what about the car situation?

It was absolutely throwing down stair rods one school collection I did, so I sat in the car observing for a few minutes, before making a late break for the playground.

Anyway, this brand new top of the range car pulls up in front of me and the Dad steps out casually and has a look around fleetingly, whilst standing there puffed up and more bow legged that a cowboy getting off a horse.

He then goes to the boot of his car to get his jacket out and puts it on – what does he do for a job?

Car Salesman! Note wrong with car salesman, (apart from the one who gives PPE deals to his mates and claims he is the MP for an area of Suffolk) but don’t drive in here and get out giving the big one mate, when that’s a company car you are test driving for the dealership you work for, as it’s on the jacket you just put on!!

Anyway, I’m a 80s Primary School kid or certainly started within that period at the very least – so I was used the school mothers with perms and should pads, not spray tans!

I walked to and from school, at the appropriate age of course and my grandparents picked me every Friday.

So, given all of what’s been said, how on earth did we get to this point? Where do these people live and what planet are they from?

I reckon parents nowadays categorise their wardrobes, specifically working parents I mean and it looks like this;

School Run

Work

Casual

Best

Then you have the mothers that are home whilst Stephen with a PH goes to work to pay for Philippa’s cake and coffee morning’s lifestyle, either with health club membership or golf club membership thrown in.

Do you reckon that these mothers have terms and conditions, like employment? I often wonder whether they have to request annual leave or whether they get subsidised health club membership as part of their employment.

You will note, I have used the Health Club and not Gym – there is a difference, especially to these mothers.

Gym is a leisure centre, owed by the Council and a Health Club has daily newspapers to read whilst having a protein bar after step aerobics (Great blog on those to look out for).

Let’s go back to the dress sense thing for a second on the school run, because we have all seen it.

First off, are you actually kidding me that a school has had to write to parents to remind them not to wear their sleepwear to school on drop off?

How deluded are these people for goodness sake – who does that?

Presently, with the warm weather here, it’s all coming out and literally too.

Flip-flops, women in denim shorts that have been more or less painted on and loads of bubble wrap, I mean loads of it!

The latest one, women Recruitment Consultants, with corporate wear and open toed shoes more suitable for a wedding reception than walking around Travis Perkins with your leather presenter folder, selling temps for a two until ten shift.

Then the men, but two things happen here.

Work attire and business wear or casual wear, but presently we are seeing lots of the former due to working from home.

I don’t often do a school pick up at 3 pm, but I think I should more often, given some of the entertainment it provides me on a number of levels.

Weak parents being one and men’s summer dress sense being the other.

One afternoon last week, I bowled through the gates at the school as normal and stood in line.

However, upon arrival, I thought John McClain was in town, filming Die Hard 72!

What better sight than a mature man in a vest, with his bracelet and necklace combo with flip-flops.

Absolutely astonishing!!

Where was his wife at this point? She should say, ‘mate we aint Benidorm yet’, but actually I would even question such apparel then.

At what point does he look at himself before leaving and go ‘yeah looking good my man’.

Then we have the drippy dads with no backbone whatsoever, who do exactly what they are told immediately.

Now these Dads are the more sensible ones, not overly fashion conscious, straight cut jeans and shop somewhere boring for their clothes – you know the sort.

They tend to read the Mail Newspaper and enjoy the Saturday TV Guide and purposely buy it for that reason – these Dads are really safe!

Apart from that is, when they allow their kids to do anything and think its okay!

The other week I watched one of these Dads show how actually they weak he was, but remains of the opinion that his kids a superstar, so it doesn’t matter when his kid threw an umbrella like a javelin, not once but twice and another kid in the playground on the way out of school.

He laughed and did nothing, absolutely nothing!

For the record, I do tell my son off, probably needlessly at times, but he wouldn’t throw an umbrella at another kid like a javelin that is a fact.

The joke of this is, the parents of this kid, think he is something else, a role model of society – top of the class in every subject bar PE of course. However this kid and his family go on walking holidays to Wales every year, so this kid is incredibly cultured and well educated, and his travel adds to that theory.

I mean, what is a walking holiday? Who is this aimed at?

That age bracket, for when they aren’t sitting on a coach holiday to southern Spain, with a view to going on as many coaching holidays as possible to look like a well-known TV antiques dealer with a perma tan!?

The thing is with walking, you have always got to come back to your starting point, whether it be at the other end of a Waitrose car park, just so you don’t get a dint in your three letter branded car with lengthy warranty or if you have gone on a walking holiday – that just doesn’t appeal to me, it’s just bore off!

Back to school run ravers for a moment.

It’s more of social club now isn’t it?

Women talking and gossiping, feeling every single word spoken and needed, just because their kids have play dates with the most popular parent, not kid, but parent – it’s like they have their own select committee.

What these melts don’t realise, is I wouldn’t allow my son to go around anyone’s for a play date and my son has the best manners in the world, it’s because you are a dreadful human being love and so is your kid!

And play dates – who came up with such terminology?

Do what mate? A play date on a Friday with two seven year olds and one with no manners? Oh terrific!!

It’s funny, because my own Dad banned my little brother from having one kid around the house and that kids mothers had a respectable career!!

Wasn’t as good as the ‘big kid’ that jumped on the sofa and burst through the sofa on a play date – that went down well I can tell you!!

These parents need to have a look at themselves, properly as well – they only engage in this behaviour purely for themselves, to talk about people and other parents, when its them that should closer to home.

You know what the appropriate attire for the school run should be?

A stab vest and tin hat, to prevent being stabbed in the back and a tin hat to dodge bullets – honestly it’s that bad!

This is why I say these parents use all of this for a vanity exercise for themselves on how big their house is or what car they drive etc. These parents grew up in my era as well, of course with the odd exception like javelin throwers parents.

Quite frankly, I would rather be seen as the parent that has his head up his own rear end, than spend one second with these cretins.

That brings me on to birthday parties – when was it ever popular culture for parents to stay at a friend of your kids birthday party? I mean we aren’t seventies TV entertainers are we?

I have categorically refused to go to any of these parties, apart from one and that was for two reasons.

Reason one: I happen to live with my in-laws at that point unfortunately and my mother in-law is a complete and utter troll, so much so she was the original character in the book.

Reason two: I happen to like this kid, so it was more bearable and her parents are normal.

So, anyway, we arrived at this party, which for the record, was soft play, the most unhygienic of them all.

All the parents where there, both husbands and wives, mainly Tory voters, with the odd exception, but you get the picture.

At this point, I surveyed the scene to work out how I was going to get through the next 2 hours, hopefully with someone on my wave length and not a Tory voter!

I ended up putting the world to rights with an NHS Consultant, who clearly had the same issues I had with the forum we were in. I am not an expert in disease and she is, but I was roughly on her wave length I felt. The funny thing is, this woman, had her alias, because she clearly knew what a bunch of morons this lot actually are at the party.

We had a guest appearance from John McClain with a shirt on!

At one point I did need the gents to find twelve Dads in their having a dangling competition!!

It is very clear that nothing is the ever the same as it once was, but the school run has changed forever and the simplicity of the school run of yesteryear are completely lost!

Yes lost, because of you (or maybe someone you know) treating it as your own playground like the children and undesirable specimen you are!

Oh and John, put a shirt on mate!!

Reality TV

Just before I get right in to one, I think it maybe prudent to ask some questions and possibly advise people to have a word

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