Uk Holidays

Someone asked me to write something about holidays and to give me honest opinion, specifically on some of the behaviours that exist on holidays. Truthfully, I had it on my extensive list, but its such a topical debate, it needed to be done in two parts to do it justice, but when writing it, I could have gone on and on and on and on!!

Just before we begin, I have also been told, that I haven’t been inclusive in some of my content and reaching out to those that specifically don’t understand standard worded English, so just for those people, I will include some words.

Here goes…

I am now going to saturate myself deep in research of observant opinions in regard to my next biblical scriptures. For this next sequence, I have deliberately batted and bowled some ideas on my gargantuan home office whiteboard with you view to flipping the baseline upside down whilst ensuring I am achieving the right blend for total and profound inclusion purposes.

Do what? Exactly – it doesn’t mean anything, its just words, but I wanted to include that little passage for the buzz worders!

They know what it means, but my head and normal peoples heads are in a right spin!!

For me, sitting here on a minging Sunday writing this, it’s easy to divvy up the two parts to this blog, but I am pretty sure some of the executives out there would like it in four parts, broken down into sub sections and sub categories, but read this and weep, because that’s not going to happen.

To be fair, some of the ‘that age bracket’ readers or sharers of this content, probably think this should come with a TV Guide, with fully written synopsis.

Aren’t Sundays miserable? They are the biggest load of misery since the yes man took the England Football Team’s Manager’s Job, from the big fella who loves steak, chips and a brown envelope.

They just are though aren’t, I know I have said it before, but they are utterly tedious – its like waiting for the inevitable nonsense to start on Monday morning at 8 am or like being married to a woman in that age bracket that lives under a bridge!

So, anyway, lets start firmly at home shall we, that makes sense.

COVID has seen the UK Holiday grow exponentially in the last eighteen months hasn’t it? (Buzz Word, just so they feel included).

Caravan sales through the roof, both static and whatever you use to describe the other one that you tow. Even camping has gone mad and they reckon there is a shortage of tents – to be fair the woman who gave birth to my wife has a few tent, but they are currently in use, as she wears them and then washes them down by the stream near the bridge she lives under!

To be fair a few of the school run mentalists could do with them for a bit of coverage!!

The old Caravan holiday is something to behold isn’t it and it was seen as the cheaper option, a good old nostalgic seaside beach holiday, paddling around in the North Sea urine and excrement.

I should be a little bit more respectful actually, because I was subject to a view of these and the North Sea did me no harm, plus the fact my late grandparents owed a static on a rather prestigious site with social club.

But anyway, the cost of these holidays has gone mad – what happened? In some instances, it’s more expensive that an abroad holiday (mind you the scenery abroad is the same), which is more mental that the school run parents quite frankly.

You can’t wait to pay a grand and do a dump in a cupboard, can you? Or worse still in a Kwik-Save carrier bag if you are not of the main sewer – madness!

Talking of Kwik-Save, there was a story that ran years and years ago about a lad that was rather small who worked at Kwik-Save and he couldn’t reach the shelf to stack them, so he climbed on the chest freezer!! Dreadful!

The business with the best adverts on TV at the minute, AirBnB, what an expansion of growth this is – incredible really and so easy to use, it’s a marvel quite frankly and the way forward in my observant opinion.

Anyway, I have chatted through a few things, so let’s get a table out shall we – nothing derogatory, just clear straight facts.

Holiday TypeFor whom
CampingThis one tends to be quite a variety of people to be fair, but some of those categories do utilise this holiday more than some others.
Package DealThis is aimed at those who refuse to camp, but some of those campers would never choose this type of holiday – which is interesting. These punters, tend to use the scabby pub chain and read rag top newspapers.
CaravanningInteresting one this, because it always used to be the not so wealthy, but that has changed because costs of these have increased. The older generation tend to do this more and there isn’t quite the blend there used to be.
Caravanning – the towing oneGet off the road
Holiday CottageThis is aimed at the higher end clientele and popular with ramblers with rucksacks
The expensive woodland holiday lodgesVegans

The satirical take above is meant to be a bit of view, just for a little bit of clarity really, not for offense, just so we all know what we are dealing with.

For good measure, I start at the top with a bit of camping and what a delightful, beautiful thing this actually is – when you go on your own and nobody else is there!!

Now for clarity, I have been, several times in fact and my little fella absolutely loves it – it’s a proper adventure.

For those of you thinking about doing this, I thought I would give you a valuable little insight as an inexperienced camper that has been few times – its great, honestly, but you need all the gear, don’t cut corners that’s what I say, but by the time you get the gear, you could have gone to sunny Spain!

Just to be also clear, there was absolutely no way I was doing this off grid – I am not the little Special Forces Operative fella who is hard as nails from the telly, and what a guy he is to be fair, Ant Middleton, an absolute ledge!

When we arrived at this commercialised site with caravans and camping, with all the gear an no idea, I was thinking okay this seems fine – then we drove to the pitch and that’s when it changed and I nearly turnaround!

I have never seen such feral behaviour and I don’t mean the kids; I mean grown adults – it was like driving through a safari park, honestly!

I didn’t know whether to get out for fear of being eaten alive or getting mugged on my way to the bathroom of an evening!!

There are a few, I though that had spent a few quid on gear and what not, and clearly, they could, given the top of the range motors they had, but that still doesn’t stop them eating in a two for one eatery!

However, the noise and the stupid behaviour, that’s not even mentioning the flip-flops, that’s another ball game altogether.

Why can these women in flip-flops not walk quietly in them, it’s beyond me, it really is.

But the scary thing is, there was things a four year little boy should never see, things far worse than you see during the school run.

  1. Women in shorts and vest tops
  2. Women in shorts, vest tops and stupid flip-flops you Nan had in 1981
  3. Women in shorts, vest tops and stupid flip-flops you Nan had in 1981 and a tattoo scripted with the words ‘Alan’
  4. Women in shorts, vest tops and stupid flip-flops you Nan had in 1981 and a tattoo scripted with the words ‘Alan’ and looks like a cross between a leather handbag and a well-known TV antiques dealer with a tan

Also, always avoid them on the way back form the shower block – you really can’t unsee things trust me!

Some of these people clearly do eat Sunblest Green sliced bread and drive a car rhyming with crocus and think the two for one pub food is exceptional – its distinctly likely that would actually steal the brown stone bottle from the upmarket chain eatery!

I am being incredibly harsh I know I am, but honestly, SOME of these attendees have no regard for other people’s eyesight or hearing – as I always say, it just takes one to ruin it for the minority of people that are respectful and have delightful children.

So lets swiftly move on to the package UK package holiday, but for this one, we are going to go right over to Carol on Facey B for her view..

Carol? Carol? Carol?

So, people, it appears as though Carol has been arrested – so that concludes that review.

Next, we have Caravanning, which I have kept together as one multi-faceted (Buzz Word) subject, if that’s okay.

As I had suggested earlier, more people are buying a caravan by the seaside, now aren’t they? Its sort of a little bolt hole for the weekend, which I completely understand and appreciate.

This said, I only get it if you are in that age bracket if you know what I mean. The type of people that want to further enhance their lookalike appearance of the TV antiques dealer with a tan.

Do these people set out to achieve this look or what?

I reckon they wander around Texas, the do it yourself place and look at the paint samples and say, ‘oi Colin, this is the colour I am aiming for this year’ whilst looking down the timber treatment isle.

Or it could be the other way around, where they go in and ask the bloke in the paint mixing section to mix their new fence paint the colour of their face – Ronseal, quick drying perma tan!

I wonder if the makers of creosote ever thought of doing a colour – ‘bargain hunt tan’ or ‘seaside bronze’.

Creosote – isn’t that dangerous stuff? Smells splendid on the nose, but not after two days of inhalation as my late grandfather found out, when it poisoned him and made him rough for a couple of days!!

Caravan holidays have become so expensive now as much as they are to own I guess and as ever, its always due to the exploitative measures of the park owners, where they charge fortunes to own one and then it can only be a certain age – its nonsense.

Then of course you have the caravans that are mobile, normally careering from lane to lane on the M5.

Who are these people? There needs to be a written rule, similar to a rule that should exist on golf courses for women – not allowed between 7 am and 7 pm at night.

We have all heard that very popular statement about caravanning holidays being a sense of freedom you don’t get with other holidays.

Absolute nonsense – who said that?

Yeah can’t wait to empty my urine and excrement every other day on site – real quality!

I mean you don’t book into the Waldorf and have to empty your own excrement and urine before you check out, do you?

Its utter nonsense!

Listen, I do admit a few of these things cost a few quid and people invest in them, as an extension to their repertoire, but there are a few or a lot that are towing their life done the M5.

When you drive by them, you know what their house looks like instantly, because everything they own is on the back of this car, or so it seems.

I bet you next time you are driving and you overtake one of these, you will be thinking, ‘mate you have got white gold haven’t you’?

White windows, white guttering, white doors, white soffits and white facias, with a possible lean-to conservatory.

It just doesn’t make any sense!

Further, who the hell are these people that stop in a layby eating a cheese and pickle sandwich Doreen made at 6 am just before they set off.

Next time, shout out the window, Corley Services has a Burger King mate.

So let me give you my observant opinion on the next UK based holiday..

Now, as I said earlier in this read, I have experience in this field more so than anything else and mainly because the government don’t know when to open and close borders to the UK.

The price of the holiday cottage has absolutely gone through the roof, so I am pleased the owners of these places are reaping the rewards on their investment!

Are you kidding me mate? Exploitation is what that is. Utterly absurd and I thought Dick Turpin wore a mask when he took people’s money – you didn’t did you?

These types of facility attract the good honest tory newspaper reading folk, which they only buy for the TV guide at the weekend, because they only have channel 1-4 and still vote tory.


They must have seen the perceived ‘riff-raff’ since COVID, so the owners have double the price, because those who frequented Benidorm are now having to look at home, because of Boris’ border policy.

These places are pretty well equipped, and you do get a good holiday in fairness.

However, there are exceptions to every rule, particularly if you go with you in-laws who happen to be lazy, uneducated thick people like mine are.

My wife’s mother may as well have been at the opening of Stone Henge she is that thick and the bloke she lives with is an absolute melt – she says jump, he says how high type of mentality.

Honestly, one year we went to Devon for my Birthday and a few other things, but the on the day of my birthday, I cooked breakfast whilst they watched and cleared up whilst they watched.

Anyway, I quite like the holiday cottage deal and for a lot of people its home from home, which I totally understand. For a lot of these people it also means that they can get their meal out at the higher end chain eatery or even their two for one meal out, providing of course they haven’t forgotten about the quarterly TV license bill.

This holiday is also popular with ramblers or walkers – as I had previously said in an earlier blog, who the hell goes on a walking holiday? Or even a walk?

This award belongs to sensible people and those who are risk adverse (Buzz Word)

The best of all though, is the holiday that costs a years salary to go, or almost for some people, and you end up with a bill for putting one foot in front of the other.

I just don’t understand the fascination of this place or this holiday, I really don’t and there are people in existence that go to this place for a little spa therapy one evening on a Wednesday!

And what a nothing day a Wednesday is!!

You know who uses this place for a holiday?

They are uptight, like themselves a considerable amount and they drive a car brand with three letters and a lengthy warranty.

I can quite imagine they would take their own tennis racquet with them to show their real sporting prowess, after completing a full and proper warm-up before even considering doing any exercise!

Seriously though, this place costs proper wedge and its sort of real arrogance actually.

You do a search on this place as you do periodically to check availability, which they always have, see it costs a fortune and then clear off to AirBnB for somewhere with a reasonable price in Florida for three weeks!!

I do agree that the perception is that this place is considerably upmarket compared to some of the other things I have discussed, but where is the nostalgia of this place?

The nostalgia the equivalent of a good old seaside caravanning holiday with a good old onsite social club in which you could light up a cigar in and the floor is tacky through spilt bitter by the half pint load.

What do we get now?

Men in their late thirties and early forties with children’s trousers on, whilst wearing a shirt he is about to burst out of, going up the bar and asking for a Mojito.

Oh and Doreen, mines a cheese and ham on white, please.

Reality TV

Just before I get right in to one, I think it maybe prudent to ask some questions and possibly advise people to have a word

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