Blog 15: – Being a Parent:

Not a parenting blog, but a parenting post….

When I was deliberating about my next topic for a few days last week, my son happened to give me the breakthrough!

Listen, I am acutely aware not everyone is a parent, so this post will contain absolutely no interest for some, but it will for others and as normal, I hope it strikes a chord as per.

It never ends does it? There is always something! There is always some little drama with our kids, no matter how fool proof you think you are.

They un-intentionally annoy us, don’t say they don’t because they absolutely do – the only people they don’t annoy or get into trouble with, is their Grandparents and they drive me up the wall let me tell you.

Someone once told me, that your Grandparents are your ideal parents for a kid – I reckon that’s true.

Anyway, we all have parents, obviously, although I did tell my son I found him under a bush in the field next to our house when I was out for a run one morning – so gullible, he actually bought it!! So we have parents, some adopted parents, but still a parent(s) – for the record, I aint going to sit here writing needless lines for inclusion purposes, like you don’t identify as a parent and you are a guardian sent from a world we know nothing of – you are a parent, end of discussion.

Just off topic, whilst we talk about inclusion, this ones for the buzz worders that use nine hundred and eighty seven words, when three or four will be fine – I am sat in a virtual meeting, which for once isn’t a steering group, but equally as much nonsense and like listening to an audio version of a poor quality novel.

Anyway, some has just sat in this meeting and said ‘we don’t want this to fall down the back of a radiator’ – are you kidding me!? Where are these people from? Clearly, they are taking mind bending drugs – what does that even mean?

Have these people heard themselves?

Last week, one of our Senior Managers sat in a meeting and went ‘we need some outcome based supportive actions’.

Yeah exactly – I am not saying anymore, but I am pleased we have included the buzzy people.

Our kids go off to school, or nursery, or sit happily playing – they have no idea do they? They have no idea about the dribble we have to listen to, just so they can play football on Saturday or Sunday for their Local Team or go to Gymnastics or Ballet.

Then what happens?

You get to the venue of you kids chosen activity and you end up talking to Steve with a PH, who stands and says, ‘love the organisation agility of this setup’.

Like I need this on a Saturday having just poured a 2004 Nuit Saint Georges down my neck the previous evening.

The other joke of this, is how much this all costs – I swear someone in the Tory Cabinet came up with these costs for kids’ activities.

SIXTY QUID for one half-term!!

For once, this hasn’t got anything to do with Estate Agents raking the prices up.

Parents are responsible, that’s who! I don’t mean the current crop of talented parents, I mean the lot that agreed to this utter daylight robbery, that’s who!

I have half an idea this was Phillipa or the Philippa’s of the country that did this.

Why did a parent not just say, ‘clear off, I am not paying that, just so Dave can have his initials on his jacket’.

The point I am trying to make here, its parents that have done, someone started it and the rest of us have just allowed it and we need to accept it.

Anyway, being a Dad, is the best thing in the world, I have to say, it really is – yes they try us sometimes and they push boundaries, but they also give us the best times imaginable.

However, that’s where it comes to a shuddering halt.

I don’t know everything, but I have good judgement – that must be because I was a Recruitment Consultant and I had to interview people. No it isn’t, that is the biggest load of utter rubbish you have ever heard and the times I hear that on Dating Reality TV Shows.

So, back in the day, being a parent was so clear cut, there wasn’t anything even remotely like, parenting styles.

I cant imagine my old dear stood in Kwik-Save having a conversation about parenting styles when I was a kid growing up.

It was very much, here’s the line, don’t cross it and if you do cross it, no sweets.

Oh but now, that’s a different story, its almost a competition on the school driveway.

In fact, they had a competition of Channel Four, didn’t they, not so long ago, called Britain’s best parent – what a nonsense!

Me and my Brother (same Dad, different Mothers) are testament to that.

My sister gets absolutely everything, complete golden child – horses the lot.

Our other Brother was also a golden child, well in the eyes of his Mother.

Without further hesitation, lets introduce a good old table to pinpoint and get some blue-sky thinking happening.

StyleJobCar StyleSupermarketEateryHolidayNames of Kids
Militant/StrictM.DSUVAny that suitHigh end ChainAsia/Far EastDavid, John, Richard
New WorldFurniture SalesOld BangerGerman RetailerTwo for OneCampingAnthrax, Pepsi, Apple
NormalManagerSaloon, 4×4Sainsbury, Tesco or the likeDepending on occasionWherever, not that preciousOlivia, Jack, Sophie
Flash Parents (or so they think)Recruitment or Call CentreCars with lengthy warrantyM&SThe IvyMarbellaHugo, Hunter, Bear, Beau, Lilly
Actually FlashBusiness OwnerGerman BrandsWaitroseHigh End eatery or Michelin StarIsland HolidayAlice, Henry, Sebastian, George

So, my satirical take on the variety of parents that now exist in the world is evident.

I just don’t understand it – do you? Or am I completely missing the point and a screw loose? I mean is this normal behaviour?

Its like when the Scottish Bloke who lived next door to the den we built as kids in the dry dyke – he threatened to call the coppers.

Now as an adult, I sit writing this thinking you absolute moron mate! The Police don’t haven’t got enough to do, have they? They haven’t got enough coppering to do other than tell half-dozen, eight, nine- and ten-year olds off!

Anyway, at the time we all legged it home absolutely bricking it that the old bill would turn up at home, thinking I would get ‘grounded’ for six months as a consequence.

And ‘grounded’, what pathetic individual came up with this terminology? What does it even mean?

I bet its still used today in modern society and if you use it, then go and have a word with yourself, will you.

There is no way in a million years Anthrax and Pepsi’s parents (and of course, the other parent that refused to tell his son off for throwing an umbrella like a javelin in the school playground) don’t use such terminology and its probably the only thing I will ever agree with these lot on.

For the record and for the ‘new world parents’, ‘grounded’ means keeping your kids in the house and stopping them playing outside, or from having any enjoyment whatsoever!

Its boring and such an outdated way of parenting let me tell you, but I bet it exists somewhere still and if you are using it, then you are as moronic as the individual that invented the term.

Sorry, just to go back to an earlier comment I made about eight, nine and ten year olds playing outside.

You see, back in the nineties when I was growing up, we didn’t have any idea that there were a lot of weirdo’s hanging around amongst us, did we? Or advertising themselves on the telly, claiming to do you a favour.

The truth is, I couldn’t even imagine letting my own son do half the things I used to do growing up at such a young age and tread around our housing estate after school and on weekends.

For the record, I was reasonably well behaved, as in I didn’t go around like kids today do, smashing windows and just generally being unruly, or neither was I one of those fashionable ASBO kids that hung around the estate.

We just kicked a ball around, played cricket or tennis in makeshift court etc.

Then have a look at todays kids – they are sheltered, if there is a set of goal posts and a net, they aren’t interested.

What have they become? Eco Warriors and Gaming freaks, sitting on technology all day – its completely absurd, but the ‘modern’ parent has allowed this to happen and take hold.

My sons use of tech is limited and neither will he be having a mobile telephone until he is old enough – you see parents buying kids mobile phones when they are so young, its astonishing – what is that teaching them?

I allow limited use of tech, but he does have it and its used at the right time and for the right length, otherwise he would sit there with it on the toilet if I’d let him.

It also intrigues me that his behaviour deteriorates with too much of it, not in the sense he is out of control, but just that he is non-responsive and doesn’t think clearly about what he is doing!

Now I have said that, you will notice it!

Having said that, what else are they supposed to do?

As I controversially and observantly said in a previous blog post, I don’t buy into the nonsense of play dates – that’s not for kids, that’s for Philippa and her ego.

You know what as well – why do these parents set the rules?

For arguments sake, if whatever you or your kids did or didn’t do, why do we ‘ground’ them, but bend the rules to suit yourself or ourselves?

An example of this has just occurred to me as I am writing this.

Let’s chat it through, shall we? This will prove just how stupid that word and punishment actually is.

So, Richard comes in from school one Thursday afternoon and asks Karen, his mother, for some toast and she abruptly said no, because you won’t eat your tea.

Now, couple of points here that need some clarification.

Point one; every Richard I knew was so thick and always thought they were something special, even though they were called Richard.

Point two; Tea is the word used for an evening meal, more commonly known as dinner to people who are more refined.

Anyway, back to the scenario.

So, Dick, and he is one, make no mistake, kicked off because the lovely Karen said he couldn’t have toast before his chicken nuggets, chips and beans for his tea.

What awful way to describe your evening meal. Tea is what you have in a mug and you drink it, you don’t put a fried egg and bacon in a mug, now do you?

Anyway, Karen promptly and regrettably said, ‘right, Richard (Dick for short, and I bet it is) you are grounded’.

Now at this point, Karen, will later realise she has forgotten Richard has a Cup Semi-Final for Jag Colts on Sunday afternoon, so as he is ‘grounded’ technically he can’t play, can he?

Ah well, this is where it gets a bit messy and interesting, because Karen and her husband, Alan, think Richard is the next Neymar Jr, so he has to play.

So, you can now probably tell, he isn’t ‘grounded’ is he?

Absolutely pathetic! What is the actual point and what does that word actually achieve, when you pick the rules to suit?

So, what is your method Observant one?

Suitable bans is an approach I inherited from my own Dad, who would ban my little brothers from everything that he deemed fit!

There was even a ban in place at Christmas one year!!

With a ban, its slick and robust (buzz word) without the need for blue-sky thinking (buzz word) and there can be no confusion or mis-interpretation.

Easy as, ‘right you are now banned from your console for two years’ – instantly the kid knows where they stand without the blurred lines.

It is so much better than, ‘right you are grounded, but you can play your console for thirty minutes instead of the usual six hours a night and play the cup semi-final on Sunday.

Now how is that clear? Talk about mixed messages – it’s completely inappropriate.

My wife is now just about to realise for the first time why I administer bans!

And why is it that Brazilian footballers have just one name? To be clear there is nothing derogatory about me pointing that out, its just an observation.

So, our kids are our pride and joy aren’t they and all you want is the very best for them, even though they drain you of money and energy.

You worry about them from the second you find out they are on the way, until the moment they are born, then you worry about them from the moment they are born.

You don’t understand their decision making, their attitude or their poor behaviour and they infuriate you, but you still have to be there for them and guide them.

That’s the way I see it – you love them more than anything, but you are here to guide them also, get them through their life to be the best version of themselves.

My late Grandfather always told, ‘no matter what you do, always be the best at it’, he was absolutely right and that’s something I tell my son continuously.

The one thing that most parents get asked, particularly if they only have one, is are you going to have another one!?

Bit nosy isn’t it?

What does that have to do with them?

Truth of the matter is, why would I impact my current lifestyle by having another child, just because my Mother says so?

People are actually clueless and just have children for the sake of it and by that, I mean, so their first born has a sibling and doesn’t grow up an only child.

This isn’t a genital swinging competition, but why would I compromise my only child’s lifestyle and my own, just so we have two children?

We travel to New York Bi-annually at Christmas, we wear the best clobber we can, we drive half decent brand-new cars, not three lettered cars with a lengthy warranty, and we both work full-time, flexibly too, so we have a great life you could say and I am not going to compromise that, but people do and I fail to see why they do!

Are people going to argue that? Are they going to argue the fact that I want my only child to see things, do things and have things that he couldn’t if he had a sibling?

Don’t see how they can quite frankly.

I had an argument once, when someone said to me, that because my son went to nursery and had a nanny, he wasn’t brought up in the conventional way and it was at his detriment.

Yes that’s right you absolute muppet, he see’s both of his career driven parents grafting and going to work, so we are setting him up to fail, when he knows what a career is and a proper job is and that he needs to work hard, just like his parents.

So, yeah, he will be a real reprobate, won’t he?

To be clear, those stay at home parents, like the Philippa’s of this world, may not need to work, because Steve is out grafting while she is up the Health Club, driving about in her three lettered car with lengthy warranty, but for me, it sets the wrong tone completely.

Yet they sit at home all day judging others and gossiping about others – when they go on a walking holiday to Wales once a year for two weeks and drive a three lettered car with lengthy warranty.

These lot are always on the PTA at their local school or a school governor, aren’t they? Like they are some sort of hero because they raised £3.48 for the school last year – do me a favour.

Yet these are the ones that send their kids to school in uniform without he school logo – whilst agree there are families that cant afford that specific uniform, these lot can, but because they have four kids, they find it unaffordable.

However, they look down their nose at other families, because their child(ren) are not on the perceived academic level as their own kid(s).

That’s another thing, the education system in this country – it is an absolute farce.

What other country sends a four-year-old to school? Some of these children are just four too – its utterly absurd, but nobody in Whitehall gives one!

The pressure placed on our children, by governments and particularly the current arrangement.

Test after test, milestone after milestone must be reached.

You know how thick this is? They teach your kids ‘Alien’, words, so essentially words that are not actually a word, so they can identify ‘real’ words.

Here’s a thought you thick Tory idiots, how about teaching our children to read real and proper words – how ridiculous.

Someone has organised a meeting, presented some sort of obscene scientific data supporting their claims and some Tory idiot has said, ‘er Nigel, what a great idea’.

Utterly pathetic, it seriously is worrying and these lot lead our country.

And I have some moron telling me that I am putting my son at a disadvantage, because he has two full-time working parents!

By the way, there wasn’t really a Christmas ban, it was Boxing Day!

Reality TV

Just before I get right in to one, I think it maybe prudent to ask some questions and possibly advise people to have a word

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