Just before I get right in to one, I think it maybe prudent to ask some questions and possibly advise people to have a word with themselves to be honest.
How many times do you ever get asked, if you watch some sort of Reality TV dribble?
How honest are you when you answer that question?
If any men answer yes to those questions, then you need to go and do something manly like build a shed and be quick about it.
I have spent many a year or season, if you want to be pedantic about it, in a football changing room over my lifetime, and just to be clear, at no point was it ever acceptable to talk about some sort of Reality TV.
This type of television nonsense, is only reserved for the school run mentalists to talk at 8:30 in the morning, just so they can hold me up getting out of the school drive, whilst they walk along like they are a girl-band that has all day.
To be fair, they probably do have all day, I know Philippa does – shamefully.
I also believe that I am being unfair by missing out a golden category, and I don’t mean that age bracket either.
That would be a good laugh that, wouldn’t it? Watching Sue and Brian of that age bracket, being subjected to Reality TV for a week – Ofcom would receive ample complaints that week!
Sue saying to Brian, ‘I asked you to record the Repair Shop, not the repeat of Ex on the Beach, or whatever it is’, you silly man’! Oh, how very ghastly!
Anyway, the golden category, just for a second, you know these lot, don’t you?
Tight Trousers Telesales, Terry, and his bird Handbag Hayley, where she wears the trousers one hundred percent and they think they are Dwyane ‘The Rock’ Johnson in the TV Series Ballers on SKY.
He is like a little mouse, doesn’t put a foot wrong, either because he is blissfully unaware of what he has become after meeting Handbag Hayley, or because everyone up The Dog and Duck, thinks she rules his life and he silently agrees.
They live on one of these so-called fashionable neighbourhoods, or so they think, possibly next-door to Kelly and Scott (more on them pair later).
What a melt!
So, having written this little lot, another question has materialised in my mind.
Clearly this sort of TV isn’t for blokes surely, or is it? You tell me, please!
If I had sat in a Football Changing Room on Saturday, around 1:30 pm, remember I didn’t play Local Football, and said ‘oi lads you seen Redondo last night on Big-Brother sitting on the bog’, I can tell you for nothing, I would have got smashed!!
Ahhhh, Big-Brother – interesting isn’t it? You the know the best thing about that show? Andy Gray and Paul Oakenfold writing the theme tune and what a toon that was in all fairness!
10:52 in the Big-Brother House, Craig eats a bowl of cereal!
Pathetic, utterly pathetic!
Mind you, Craig Phillips, what a man, what a scouser – for those that don’t know, Craig one the first series of Big-Brother in 2000 and he gave the money away to charity.
Then what happened, E4 decided to actually have the Big-Brother House Live on telly all day – who the hell sat and watched that all day? Are you kidding me!
I know who would now if it was broadcast in that way – Philippa, she’d be all over that!
Big-Brother, is most peoples first idea of Reality TV, but how was that actually reality?
Fifteen People in a house, sitting about all day eating cereal like tax dodging students!
Mind you for them I suppose it would be reality.
People just really buy into this don’t they? They live and breathe it between making outbound telesales calls flogging insurance obviously.
‘Going Gym tonight Tel?’ ‘Nah, Darren, TOWIE is on, mate and Hayley wants me home for it’!
No words for this, utterly speechless!
The Only Way Is Essex, just WOW, what an incredible feat for ITV changing with the times.
Then, Channel Four, with Made in Chelsea, for the more well-appointed viewer.
Quite frankly, I reckon that’s a challenge from Channel Four, and if I was in that other one (TOWIE), I’d be looking over and thinking, their better than us, and they’d be right as well.
Not that I am in favour of either, but you get my point.
Affluent Chelsea or Brentwood?
These people are real, but in modified situations, saying unscripted lines in a structured way – what the hell is that even?
People watch that, they can’t get enough of it – I thought it was joke when it first came out.
People you know, think that’s them, they think they are ballers just like them!
All the locals in Marbella or Marbs as they call it, all went ‘Great, more English Idiots here on weekend breaks with their sliders on’, when that show was released.
Italy has nearly run out of Prosecco as a result!!
You know what though, it helps you get a Professional Football Contract and a Gig as Disc Jockey on Heart Radio, doesn’t it!?
Also, off topic, when did Toby Anstis, ever become a well know Disc Jockey that you would pay to go and see?
This bloke is 50 and all of a sudden, he thinks he is up there with the world’s best DJ’s, despite the fact he just turns up with his laptop and plugs it in and presses play!!
How do you go from working in the Broom Cupboard with Ed the Duck on CBBC, to becoming a critically acclaimed DJ, or so he thinks?
It is really baffling to be honest and an interesting concept, nonetheless.
Imagine this lot being around in the seventies and eighties, or even early nineties – that just goes to show how society has fundamentally and dramatically changed.
Those era’s where so simple and limited in terms of choice actually – here goes.
Neighbours – 17:35
Home and Away – 18:00
News, either local or National -18:30
Emmerdale Farm – 19:00
Eastenders or Coronation Street (depending on the day of the week) – 19:30
The Bill – 20:00
Some sort of Police Detective Series at 21:00
You see, simplicity, no opportunity to be a melt.
We have become this nation of thinking and acting like people on the TV, but without the money sitting behind it!
Imagine popping out for a beer and behaving like Norris Cole from Coronation Street!!
That’s essentially what you lot are doing, but just not the Norris way of going about it!
I reckon the closest thing, which is anywhere near close to real life, was The Office, which was a comedy, filmed as a mocumentary and absolutely incredible, so close to the bone.
Its not the only thing that Ricky Gervais did though, is it, that was well thought out – what about Derek on Channel Four?
You know these are things that people can really relate too, not a couple of melts eating dinner in The Ivy, whatever that is by the way – but this is where the ballers knock-about apparently.
So, lets get back to Tight Trouser Telesales Terry and his missus, Handbag Hayley.
Can you imagine their front room? Grey, lots of diamantes, loads of glass and mirrors, with a sixty-five-inch TV, for crystal clarity vision.
I bet you they have a Gin trolley in the kitchen, which has a pineapple ice box in gold or rose as the moderners call it.
Tel, pulls up on the driveway in his version one car, after flogging insurance policies all day, to Handbag Hayley doing the dinner(you guessed it, Quinoa and Pomegranate, with roasted pine nuts) after finishing her day as the local Car Dealership Receptionist.
Just for info – Handbag Hayley has a Mini Cooper.
Following dinner, they pop themselves down on their grey sofa, with their feet on their white rug, ready for……
Yeah – Love Island!!
Complete with Love Island Merchandise!
What an utterly miserable television programme this is – it needs to be banned and banned for a number of reasons, some of which I will not speculate on.
All because of Social Media – its absolutely absurd and all about vanity, quite simply and there is something about that, which doesn’t sit comfortably for me or many others.
Their parents must be really proud – particularly watching their daughter throwing themselves at a number of different blokes!
Oh and the plastic – all these eco-warriors worried about plastic being in the oceans, looking at some of the some of women on this show, they need not worry anymore, because we know where some of that plastic is.
When was that fashionable? It appears no longer that this is for middle aged women that go to a Health Club four times a week – its now for ‘influencers’ or should I add, ‘wannabe influencers’!
When did dating on telly become a credible thing to do?
Half of these people have been engaged more times than a switch board quite frankly!
What happened to going out on a Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, with a dab of Blue Stratos behind the ears and a white shirt, to pull a right sort?
No, no, no, lets get on the telly to increase my followers on Social Media.
I just fail to see the appeal, I really do, about Love Island I mean.
It’s like these TV shows or series, that follow a couple about their lives – who cares mate, nobody with three braincells watches that nonsense – they would rather read some blogs ranting about you!
No, to be fair I am being critical, I can appreciate that, because there have been some really good reality TV Shows and still is, on and off.
Not the one mind, where you’re watching other people watch the telly – so explain to me how is that riveting? What is the appeal about that?
You know full well that some of the personalities on that show, drive a three lettered car with lengthy warranty and eat out in high end chain eateries.
But, but, but, the one that is absolutely round the bend, the one that is just incomprehensible, the one that no parent ever wants to see one of their prized children go on…
Naked Attraction – what the hell happened? They claim it’s a game show!
At what point does it ever enter anyone’s head to go this show to find that special -one?
Are you kidding me or what?
None of these people clearly go to work and if they do they have to work for themselves surely – saw on you on TV last night Scott, swinging about you were –how did you get on in the end?
It’s just not normal and very odd!
What happens if any of them ever get married? What about the speeches?
Yeah, I met Kelly, whilst I was swinging about on Naked Attraction – she was stood there all pert and proper!!
Jesus Christ – you really didn’t think that through, did you? Lets just hope they don’t know Sue and Brian and invite them.
Also, who are the Real Housewives?
For a laugh, they should change that show to the ‘Real Housewives of Bangor, Wales’.
Now that would provide some entertainment, rather than watching Jennifer kick off and bitch about Savannah, because she didn’t get an invite to Apple’s sixth birthday party.
The other thing about Love Island, do they ever get those bed sheets changed and if so when?
The amount of ‘coupling’ or ‘swapping’ they do, you can’t wait to go to bed in dirty sheets, that some other little Herbert has been rolling around in the night previous.
The fake tan on white sheets, doesn’t even bear thinking about, not to mention any other substances, like factor five or whatever they use!
What about Love Island in the Jungle?
That would put one amongst it wouldn’t it?
To be fair, periodically, or probably the right choice of words would be bi-yearly (is that a bit buzzy?), because its not great every year, is I’m a celebrity get me Out of Here.
However, you can’t start copying the celebs on here can you? Doesn’t have the same sex appeal, does it? That’s why it doesn’t appeal to the younger generation.
You won’t find Scott and Kelly eating Bulls Penis, would you? They will be in the chicken restaurant if you need them.
The one that really has lost its appeal and has gone a bit David Seaman(on too long), is the Apprentice on Propaganda TV(BBC TV).
The contestants are so poor in quality, you end up sitting there saying, you could do that better or what is he doing, thick or what!
They never used to be, they used to be of the highest quality, but now it’s a swinging competition.
Then they get in the boardroom and start squirming, with Lord Sugar giving it the one liner as normal – its all scripted and apparently those boardroom scenes last for hours, with each of the candidates going for one another.
If he rang me at 5 am in the morning and told me to get up, he would be getting told where to go!
I was doing the school run the other day and I heard one of the mentalist mothers from year one, say to Philippa, ‘you watch the island last night’? ‘No, unfortunately, I was fortunately getting my bag ready for surgery, which is a birthday present from Steve’!
How does that even work? You do the school run one size two weeks previous and then the next one you do, you are a couple of sizes bigger, lips I am talking about!